(Q: When I am feeling unhappy and dissatisfied, I don’t just
give in, but try to get active in ways that get me over these feelings.)
Taking control of your own life means that you go to work on
changing the things that have been spoiling your happiness. Occupying
yourself in the present on constructive action is a great way to take
your mind off of negative thoughts of regret (which is in the past) or
dread (which is in the future.) Most problems take a lot of time and
experimentation to reach a solution, but the very process of working
towards any positive goal takes your mind into the present and makes you
feel better immediately. Once you have taken appropriate action you often
have to wait for results. Work, sports and craft of hobby projects can
keep your mind pleasantly occupied while you are waiting for results.

Self-esteem comes from the success of real accomplishments. The
experimenter approach gives you a way to accomplish the things you have
always wanted to do by working towards them one small step at a time. The
first step is to decide what you want to accomplish and then THINK of an
experimental step that may take you in that direction. The important
thing is to break out of ruts and begin to experience the thrill of real
progress towards your goals.

(Q: People who are emotionally important to me help me to
overcome my problems.)
Supportive connections with other people are a basic need that goes
back deep into our evolutionary past. We are social animals, not meant to
stand alone, so the feeling of mutual support of other people is
necessary for good health. It is not a sign of weakness to share problems
with others and be equally ready to help them when they need it.
If you are out of practice, start today to develop at least one
friend or family member that you can freely open up to. As with most
things, you may need to start small and build up slowly to real close
communications. Invite someone to dinner and get as close as you can for
a start and then let the relationship build naturally from there. The
important thing is to take a manageable step towards the goal now and
EXPERIMENT. If you TRY something that doesn’t work, don’t feel bad. Just
LEARN what you can from the experience and TRY something else.

(Q: I have always found it difficult to give expression to
my most important feelings and needs towards other people.)
Expressing your deep feelings and needs is extremely important to
good health because bottled up feelings weaken the immune system and
cause circulatory problems. Learning to express your feelings takes
practice just like any other skill. Just as with physical exercise, you
must start with easy challenges and work up — pushing yourself just
enough that you gradually build up strength.
Start today to be sensitive to your own inner feelings and to
express them gently yet firmly whenever you feel them. THINK about some
feelings you may not have expressed recently and IMAGINE scenes where you
do express them. When the opportunity arises, this rehearsal will make it
easier to do it in real life. The important thing is to develop a
continual alertness for your own deep feelings that will remind you
whenever an opportunity to express them is being missed.

(Q: Usually I manage to avoid psychological or physical
demands that are too taxing.)
Taking care of yourself sometimes means disappointing other
people’s expectations. This is a healthy thing that you should learn to
do with some delight. Your parents and teachers may have taught you too
well to do what is expected. Somewhere there is a balance, where your own
health and happiness counts for something. Remember that the ancient part
of you that is tied so intimately to your heart and immune system must be
taken care of and respected because without good health you will
accomplish little.

(Q: I always feel very inhibited when it comes to making
requests and demands for myself.)
Parents are often too effective in teaching their children not to
fuss. The problem is that everyone has his or her own deep needs that
must be honored or health will suffer. The rational decision to not make
a fuss is made by the new, verbal part of your brain. The problem is that
this overpowers and stifles the deeper, more ancient parts of your brain
that interact so strongly with your immune system, heart, etc. Too much
rational control can leave this ancient part of you raging or feeling
hopeless. The ultimate result is poor health.
Make an oath to stand up for your deep needs—not obnoxiously but
firmly and fairly. Yes you should be considerate of others, but why not
be at least equally considerate of yourself? Your immune system will
thank you!

(Q: I try for one or more aims which are very important to me.)
Having a purpose and meaning in your life is very important for the
emotional buzz that accompanies peak immune system function. The aims can
be simple, but they must be satisfying to you. Look at a beehive or
anthill sometime and you will see individuals with a purpose. Each bee or
ant is scurrying around doing its bit of what is needed for the whole
hive to thrive. We have that same instinct and we only have to find the
gap that we can fill. It probably won’t involve being rich or famous.
Give some serious THOUGHT to what you could do to change your life so
that it has meaning for you.

(Q: Amount of Joy from your love life)
The drive to mate and bond with a member of the opposite sex is an
urge with a long evolutionary history. Your immune system interacts
strongly when such needs are not met. If you have been avoiding
relationships because they are “too much trouble” you should consider the
importance of meeting such a basic need. This means being open but not
desperate for a relationship. If you are being made miserable by a former
relationship that doesn’t work, breaking away and opening yourself up to
other opportunities may be in order. The important thing is not to stay
permanently stuck in a relationship that is making you miserable. THINK
about what you should do, rehearse it in your mind, and then TRY it.

(Q: How intense are your feelings of hopelessness?)
The best antidote to hopelessness is an escape plan. Finding this
plan can be a lifetime career, but as long as you are working on it, life
has meaning. Circumstances that seem to be beyond your control usually
have a hidden key where changes in your own behavior can change the
situation. Next time you are feeling hopeless put all of your energy into
creatively THINKing of some kind of experimental change you can make
which might improve the situation. Visualize the change in your mind and,
if it has some chance of working, give it a TRY. If it fails, try to
LEARN from the failure so that the next experiment may work. This method
is extremely powerful and is behind all of the major scientific
discoveries of our age. Apply it to your life and you can beat
hopelessness.

(Q: How often do you get feelings of hopelessness?)
The meaning of life is in the living of it. When you satisfy your
basic instincts and needs you are rewarded with feelings of pleasure and
well being because that is evolution’s way of rewarding and encouraging
that behavior. Often feelings of hopelessness are a result of “thinking
too much”. If your logical mind tries to find a meaning in life, it will
probably be disappointed. By staying in the present, you can enjoy the
instinctive pleasures of just being alive. Fear, dread and regret are all
meaningless concepts in the present. Try to practice living in the
present as much as possible and use your ability to plan for the future
only to act decisively to make changes that will improve your future.