* I deserve to be happy and successful
* I have the power to change myself
* I can forgive and understand others and their motives
* I can make my own choices and decisions
* I am free to choose to live as I wish and to give priority to my desires
* I can choose happiness whenever I wish no matter what my circumstances
* I am flexible and open to change in every aspect of my life
* I act with confidence having a general plan and accept plans are open to alteration
* It is enough to have done my best
* I deserve to be loved

Many obstacles stand in the way of peacefulness in our lives: stress at work, family issues, health problems, financial burdens, and relationship demands. The list seems never ending. How can we cope with these weighty concerns when we wake up each morning, let alone strive for contentment and a sense of well-being? The answer comes in being at peace with ourselves, something that can only be achieved if we feel good about who we are. The answer comes in believing that we are significant, of value, adequate to the challenges that face us, and worthy of choosing what’s right for ourselves. The answer comes in possessing healthy self-esteem.

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Self esteem is developed by feedback from other people
but clearly it is within ourselves. We know this because
all the compliments in the world will not increase our
self esteem if we think we don’t deserve it.

We will reject the compliment or laugh it off as a
mistake. People with low self esteem distort negative
aspects of their body, this is a way of projecting their
negative feelings more externally.

One part of us begins to dominate and we begin to think
things like “you know I would be handsome/attractive if
it were not for this gigantic nose or this horrible chin”.

People with poor self image tend to project those feelings
on one part of their body more than others.

It is what is referred to as the ‘deforming mirror’.

All of us see ourselves in a deforming mirror where we
don’t see ourselves as we truly are. Very few people have
an accurate image of their body and women in particular
see themselves as larger and fatter than they actually
look.

Men see themselves more realistically.

Why would women be more negative about their bodies?

In this instance at least it is because women rate their
bodies almost exclusively in terms of its attractiveness
whereas men are able to rate their bodies on its
attractiveness and its function – so if you looked like
Brad Pitt it would be wonderful but if not, at least its
strong – its almost as if men look at their bodies as
an instrument and women look at their bodies as an ornament.

Research does indicate that women are more critical
of their bodies than men – perhaps the influence of the
media has something to do with this – if we were only
to realise that the products being marketed to reduce
wrinkles and help us lose weight are selling hope to
all who buy.

The industries generate the need for hope, manufacture
the product and sell the hope.

There are a number of important changes we can make to
change our body image.

1. Dress for physical pleasure -

Stop scarring your body by wearing clothes that are too
small – “I’m going to fit into this size 12 even if it
kills me” and when you remove the size 12 your body
is scarred.

Wear clothes that are comfortable – if you feel good
you will feel better about yourself, hold yourself
more confidently and feel confident.

Try dressing differently – if you usually dress casually,
dress formal one day – show yourself that there are many
ways to look and feel good about yourself.

2. Look at the whole of your body and not just a
collection of parts.

Don’t reduce your identity to just one part – “I’m fine
if it were not for my ears”.

Focus on how you feel rather than on how you want to look.
Instead of I want to be thinner think “I want to be more
energetic or more mobile”.

Thinking I want to be thin is focussing on an ornament
- I want to be more energetic is focussing on an instrument
which is there to do something for us.

3. Listen to someone else’s opinion of you.

It is difficult to like your whole self as long as you are
going around criticising one part of yourself constantly.

Very few of us have an accurate picture of ourselves and
it is difficult to see a true picture.

You are unique.I am unique.Every one of us is unique.Sure, we have much in common just by the fact that we are all human beings. And overall we share common emotional chords and psychological reactions. But we are not the same. Your strength might be my weakness. Your like might be my dislike. Your friend might be my enemy.One thing we all share is the tremendous pressure to conform. It has always been this way, and it is not just Western society. Take a close look at most societies and watch how conformist they are. It is simply human nature at work. To a great degree, we need to conform. We need to fit in. After all, human beings are social animals.

But most of us take it too far. We move past a desire to fit in and tumble right into anxiety over being different. Nowhere is this more obvious than when we see skinny women trying to lose weight and look like the anorexia-driven models on TV.

Or by people who fret over how they look or what they are wearing before going out to dinner. If we show up at an event “under-dressed”, most of us will feel self-conscious. But a happy person should not feel too out of place. If we show up “overdressed”, most of us would probably feel just a touch out of place, but not overly. If we show up at an event “undressed” … OK, that’s when you need to feel really self-conscious.

Again, let me stress that this is not a black and white issue. It is normal and even healthy to want to fit in (although, as you will read in Climb your Stairway to Heaven: the 9 habits of maximum happiness, eccentrics tend to score higher than conformists on happiness scales), but it is not healthy to WORRY about fitting in. It is not healthy to feel like our differences from others or from some projected image makes us substandard in any way.

What we need are personal cheerleaders to build our self-esteem. And we are in luck. Check out the special announcement below.

——————–
?? QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF ??

Do I really like the person I see in the mirror? Do I really accept what I appear to be?

If I show up at an event “over dressed” or “under-dressed”, how out of place do I feel?

To what extent do I allow myself to be me, and to what extent do I let others or society define who I am (or who I feel I should be)?

Do I have any eccentricities? Should I develop any?
—————————–
FOUR PRACTICAL TIPS for building self-esteem

1. How about placing a sign on the mirror: “Hail wonderful me!”. You’ll see a whole new image of yourself.

2. Make a conscious decision on what areas of life, or even on what details, you will compromise to feel like you fit in or to gain acceptance, and on which areas or details you really must be yourself to, well, be yourself.

3. If you find yourself making comparisons to impossibly skinny models, impossibly rich tycoons or impossibly witty comedians — and your self-esteem is squirming — try comparing yourself to Howard Stern instead.

4. Try wearing something just a little outrageous, either on yourself or your home.
—————————————
“Nobody can be just like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.” –Tallulah Bankhead
————————————

I have the right to ask for what I want
I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet
I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative
I have the right to change my mind
I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect
I have the right to follow my own values and standards
I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values
I have the right to determine my own priorities
I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems
I have the right to expect honesty from others
I have the right to be angry at someone I love
I have the right to be uniquely myself
I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m afraid”
I have the right to say “I don’t know”
I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior
I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings
I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time
I have the right to be playful and frivolous
I have the right to be healthier than those around me
I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment
I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people
I have the right to change and grow
I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others
I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect
I have the right to be happy

Self-esteem comes from the success of real accomplishments. The
experimenter approach gives you a way to accomplish the things you have
always wanted to do by working towards them one small step at a time. The
first step is to decide what you want to accomplish and then THINK of an
experimental step that may take you in that direction. The important
thing is to break out of ruts and begin to experience the thrill of real
progress towards your goals.

Having confidence means you believe in yourself, you trust your own judgment and
resourcefulness. In his many books on self-esteem, Dr. Nathaniel Branden defines
self-esteem as the sum of self-confidence and self-respect. For him, self-
confidence is knowing that you have the wherewithal to function reasonably well
in the world.

You feel competent to make choices, competent to satisfy your needs, to chart
the course for your life. Having confidence in specific situations, such as in
gaining influence with someone, would flow from a general self-confidence about
your ability to meet life’s challenges.

A person who exhibits confidence appreciates a sincere compliment and doesn’t
brush it off. A confident person is comfortable giving, and receiving,
compliments. He’s also able to handle criticism if it comes his way because he
basically likes himself and knows that a single negative incident won’t change
that.

Confidence in yourself gets built up over time. You can fake confidence, and you
may need to at first, but real self-confidence comes from a history of small
victories and accomplishments that add up to a sense that you can handle
yourself well in most every situation. I suggest you take an inventory of the
major accomplishments you’ve achieved over the past few years. Then remind
yourself of the minor ones too. What about the computer course you completed?
Have you built anything that still standing? What about those kids you’re
raising? That’s (!) an accomplishment. Don’t be modest. Tell the truth about how
hard you worked, what sacrifices you’ve made. If you can’t think of any, then
begin by congratulating yourself for living as long as you have. Sheer survival
is an accomplishment these days! Seriously, it pays to take the time to know
your strengths and appreciate them. What’s unique about you? What skills do you
bring to an organization or project that you can count on?

Confidence is a fundamental trait for flexibility. It’s hard to be flexible when
you’re fearful, or easily intimidated. Confidence is indispensable if you want
to engage someone’s attention.

“With that smile and them dimples you can strut your stuff. Don’t hold back now!”
~Norma

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I’m sorry you feel the way you do. Just know that I am always here for you and I always have been. So many times I didn’t say what I should have but I didn’t want you to be surprised with pain. I’ve taught you to expect the worse but I was wrong. I let u build walls around yourself and I know things are hard for you now. I know how it feels to think that you bare other’s pain..how you think you can’t live up to certain expectations. I know how it feels to think you have no purpose. I share your fears but they must be conquered. I don’t want you to be the kind of person I was. I’ve made mistakes by doubting you in the past. I recognize that I was wrong and my words held you back and I can only hope that these words push you forward.

None of your thoughts are childish..none of them are inferior. I’ve heard everything you said and I’d like to offer a bit of advice. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re somethin you’re not. You’ve always been a friend to me and I don’t think of you as inferior.. I want you to change for the better. I want you to grasp every opportunity. I know you can accomplish great things and even if you don’t, I’ll still be here and won’t think the worse of you. All I want is for you to be happy in your own way. I want you to live your life to it’s fullest potential and have everything YOU desire. Sittin on your ass waiting on things to come won’t do any good. Use me as your motivation and know that I support almost anything you do.

I admire your persistence. It led you this far, don’t let that quality weaken. Confide in me and I will confide in you. We’ll have no secrets and no lies. I’ve never fluffed up the truth for you and I’ve never told you what u wanted to hear. Only the truth slips from my mouth. I don’t condemn you for anything that you are, I love you for it. I like the progress you’re making and nobody can say that you aren’t improving. I see you evolving everyday. Nothing you feel or anything that you do could ever make you a bad person unworthy of love. I’d do anything for you… all you have to do is let me know. And when nobody’s there for you, I’ll be there. Find comfort in me.

You KNOW I got much love for you,
~ Myself

What makes somebody fashionably in or out? Is it fashionably in to have a lot of friends, drive the right car, or have a certain image? Why have i found loopholes? Throughout my life, I’ve had these questions. They didn’t make or break me but it’s an interesting thought.

I’m a floater..always have been. The type of person to say fuck it to any situation in which I have to give a good effort. In school, it wouldn’t have made a whole lot of difference if i was never there..well..until Jr year in high school. I ditched constantly (if i was there), walked outta classes, neva really talked, and thought I had no friends. But I made no effort and I think I have a habit of remember negative things before the positive.

I had friends..I know a lot of ppl but I don’t have a lot of close friends. Shit, I only have 1 right now..same nigga thas been wit me for the last 5 yrs. And I love that dude for that…thas why I call him my baby brother. I skated right through school..hell, right through life and sometimes I think I had it either harder than it should have been or too easy. (more on that another day)

I have my own style..I doubt it’s fashionable but it’s mine. I have a different type of attitude from my friends…kinda weird but everybody keeps tellin me I’m koo and interesting. (That quiet chick that u might have to watch..still koo though) I don’t fit tha usual stereotypes too often..and I’m glad I don’t. I try not to be stereotypical.

And all this leads me to wonder what makes a person become the kind of person they are? Experience?..Temperament?..How others view u?..More importantly..how u view urself?

Experience…I haven’t had much..I pretty much keep to myself. I live vicariously through my friends and learn from their mistakes. I don’t venture out enough to make a whole of my own mistakes but I learn from them too.

Temperament…it’s probably slow to warm up.

How others view u? …A lot of ppl give me due props. They tell me I’m smart, I can go places, it’s ok to be me, I can do whateva I set my mind to.

How I view myself? I believe I got a lil book smarts, a lil street smarts, a lot of common sense, Imma be me (don’t know any other way), and I CAN do whateva I set my mind to. I just lack motivation half tha time. (workin on that) I often lose sight of what I’ve accomplished, what I’m capable of, and which direction I’m tryin to go. That’s when my negativity comes into play. (workin on that too)

So what kind of person does that make me? 1 unique individual? I dunno but I’ll figure out one day what makes a person who they are and it might help me understand myself better.

“We don’t need more money, we don’t need greater success or fame, we don’t need the perfect body or even the perfect mate. Right now, at this very moment, we have a mind, which is all the basic equipment we need to achieve complete happiness.”