Most people feel badly about themselves from time to time. Temporary feelings of low self-esteem may be triggered by being treated poorly by someone else recently or in the past, or by a person’s own judgments of him or herself. This response is normal. However, low self-esteem is a constant companion for too many people, especially those who experience depression. If you go through life feeling bad about yourself needlessly, low self-esteem keeps you from enjoying life, doing the things you want to do, and working toward personal goals.
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Categories of people vulnerable to having low self-esteem
*Children who were verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually abused
*Children who were not loved and accepted unconditionally either at home, at school or in the community
*Children of parents or grandchildren of grandparents who came from a codependent or dysfunctional family system
*Children of dependent parents (alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, shopping, sex)
*Children of workaholic parents
*Children of mentally ill parents
*Children raised in a high stress environment
*Children raised in an environment where feelings were not openly expressed, experienced, or welcome
*Children who have experienced the divorce of their parents
*Children who have experienced the loss of a parent or significant other in their childhood
*Children raised in an absolutist or fundamentalist environment
*Children raised in a family headed by a single parent due to divorce, death, or absence due to career
*Children who were abused emotionally or verbally in a school environment
*Adults who have been hurt badly in a relationship, in marriage, in school, at work, or in the community
*Adults who work in a codependent work environment
*Adults hurt in a relationship at work or in the community with someone and/or married to someone who is dependent (alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, shopping, sex
*Adults in a relationship with someone or married to someone who is a workaholic
*In a relationship with someone or married to someone who comes from a codependent family or work system
*Members of a family in which a child with a developmental disability is born and reared
*Members of a family in which a chronically ill family member is cared for
*Members of a family or work environment in which a compulsive individual lives
*Compulsive or dependent individuals once they are treated and enter recovery
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Building Self-Esteem
A Question of Self-Esteem

A local reader asked over coffee a few questions about self-esteem. Since the information is worth sharing, I present it here in Question and Answer form.

Q: “What is self-esteem? Is it another word for self-confidence?”

A: No, they are different. SELF-ESTEEM deals with the image we have of ourselves. It is about how we see and FEEL about ourselves. It is about the degree to which we VALUE ourselves. Those who have a positive self-image, hold themselves in ESTEEM. (They have high self-esteem.)
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Abuse creates toxic shame - the feeling of being flawed and diminished and never measuring up. Toxic shame feels much worse than guilt. With guilt, you’ve done something wrong; but you can repair that - you can do something about it. With toxic shame there’s something wrong with you and there’s nothing you can do about it; you are inadequate and defective. Toxic shame is the core of the wounded child. This meditation sums up the ways that the wonderful child got wounded. The loss of your I AMness is spiritual bankruptcy. The wonder child is abandoned and all alone.
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Ability to speak for self
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You seldom address the issues that concern you the most. Whether it’s noisy neighbors or a raise you feel you deserve, you usually wait for someone else to bring it up. When someone treats you poorly, you often hesitate to speak openly. Letting people know you disagree with them is difficult since you generally lack self-assurance. However, if you act like you deserve respect, others will treat you accordingly.
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* I deserve to be happy and successful
* I have the power to change myself
* I can forgive and understand others and their motives
* I can make my own choices and decisions
* I am free to choose to live as I wish and to give priority to my desires
* I can choose happiness whenever I wish no matter what my circumstances
* I am flexible and open to change in every aspect of my life
* I act with confidence having a general plan and accept plans are open to alteration
* It is enough to have done my best
* I deserve to be loved

Many obstacles stand in the way of peacefulness in our lives: stress at work, family issues, health problems, financial burdens, and relationship demands. The list seems never ending. How can we cope with these weighty concerns when we wake up each morning, let alone strive for contentment and a sense of well-being? The answer comes in being at peace with ourselves, something that can only be achieved if we feel good about who we are. The answer comes in believing that we are significant, of value, adequate to the challenges that face us, and worthy of choosing what’s right for ourselves. The answer comes in possessing healthy self-esteem.

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Self esteem is developed by feedback from other people
but clearly it is within ourselves. We know this because
all the compliments in the world will not increase our
self esteem if we think we don’t deserve it.

We will reject the compliment or laugh it off as a
mistake. People with low self esteem distort negative
aspects of their body, this is a way of projecting their
negative feelings more externally.

One part of us begins to dominate and we begin to think
things like “you know I would be handsome/attractive if
it were not for this gigantic nose or this horrible chin”.

People with poor self image tend to project those feelings
on one part of their body more than others.

It is what is referred to as the ‘deforming mirror’.

All of us see ourselves in a deforming mirror where we
don’t see ourselves as we truly are. Very few people have
an accurate image of their body and women in particular
see themselves as larger and fatter than they actually
look.

Men see themselves more realistically.

Why would women be more negative about their bodies?

In this instance at least it is because women rate their
bodies almost exclusively in terms of its attractiveness
whereas men are able to rate their bodies on its
attractiveness and its function - so if you looked like
Brad Pitt it would be wonderful but if not, at least its
strong - its almost as if men look at their bodies as
an instrument and women look at their bodies as an ornament.

Research does indicate that women are more critical
of their bodies than men - perhaps the influence of the
media has something to do with this - if we were only
to realise that the products being marketed to reduce
wrinkles and help us lose weight are selling hope to
all who buy.

The industries generate the need for hope, manufacture
the product and sell the hope.

There are a number of important changes we can make to
change our body image.

1. Dress for physical pleasure -

Stop scarring your body by wearing clothes that are too
small - “I’m going to fit into this size 12 even if it
kills me” and when you remove the size 12 your body
is scarred.

Wear clothes that are comfortable - if you feel good
you will feel better about yourself, hold yourself
more confidently and feel confident.

Try dressing differently - if you usually dress casually,
dress formal one day - show yourself that there are many
ways to look and feel good about yourself.

2. Look at the whole of your body and not just a
collection of parts.

Don’t reduce your identity to just one part - “I’m fine
if it were not for my ears”.

Focus on how you feel rather than on how you want to look.
Instead of I want to be thinner think “I want to be more
energetic or more mobile”.

Thinking I want to be thin is focussing on an ornament
- I want to be more energetic is focussing on an instrument
which is there to do something for us.

3. Listen to someone else’s opinion of you.

It is difficult to like your whole self as long as you are
going around criticising one part of yourself constantly.

Very few of us have an accurate picture of ourselves and
it is difficult to see a true picture.

You are unique.I am unique.Every one of us is unique.Sure, we have much in common just by the fact that we are all human beings. And overall we share common emotional chords and psychological reactions. But we are not the same. Your strength might be my weakness. Your like might be my dislike. Your friend might be my enemy.One thing we all share is the tremendous pressure to conform. It has always been this way, and it is not just Western society. Take a close look at most societies and watch how conformist they are. It is simply human nature at work. To a great degree, we need to conform. We need to fit in. After all, human beings are social animals.

But most of us take it too far. We move past a desire to fit in and tumble right into anxiety over being different. Nowhere is this more obvious than when we see skinny women trying to lose weight and look like the anorexia-driven models on TV.

Or by people who fret over how they look or what they are wearing before going out to dinner. If we show up at an event “under-dressed”, most of us will feel self-conscious. But a happy person should not feel too out of place. If we show up “overdressed”, most of us would probably feel just a touch out of place, but not overly. If we show up at an event “undressed” … OK, that’s when you need to feel really self-conscious.

Again, let me stress that this is not a black and white issue. It is normal and even healthy to want to fit in (although, as you will read in Climb your Stairway to Heaven: the 9 habits of maximum happiness, eccentrics tend to score higher than conformists on happiness scales), but it is not healthy to WORRY about fitting in. It is not healthy to feel like our differences from others or from some projected image makes us substandard in any way.

What we need are personal cheerleaders to build our self-esteem. And we are in luck. Check out the special announcement below.

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?? QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF ??

Do I really like the person I see in the mirror? Do I really accept what I appear to be?

If I show up at an event “over dressed” or “under-dressed”, how out of place do I feel?

To what extent do I allow myself to be me, and to what extent do I let others or society define who I am (or who I feel I should be)?

Do I have any eccentricities? Should I develop any?
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FOUR PRACTICAL TIPS for building self-esteem

1. How about placing a sign on the mirror: “Hail wonderful me!”. You’ll see a whole new image of yourself.

2. Make a conscious decision on what areas of life, or even on what details, you will compromise to feel like you fit in or to gain acceptance, and on which areas or details you really must be yourself to, well, be yourself.

3. If you find yourself making comparisons to impossibly skinny models, impossibly rich tycoons or impossibly witty comedians — and your self-esteem is squirming — try comparing yourself to Howard Stern instead.

4. Try wearing something just a little outrageous, either on yourself or your home.
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“Nobody can be just like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.” –Tallulah Bankhead
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