I never understood why my life turned out the way that it did. Its a non-stop cycle of depression that always finds me. Happiness now seems unreachable to me. I get more jaded, sarcastic, and I seclude myself more.  I thought I was a good person and hell, even my therapist told me I was kool but that’s not what life shows me.  I consistantly get yelled at, fucked over, and treated like dirt.  I deserve the latter for some reason unknown to me.

Therapy no longer seems to be working out and they don’t know what else to tell me, so they just prescribe more drugs for me. The drugs lead to insomnia and vivid nightmares so they gave me stronger drugs. I don’t remember the last time I woke up rested. Hell, I barely remember the last time I slept for more than 6 hrs. Sleep was my only escape from all the drama and now-a-days I’m so anxious or so busy trying to avoid what I feel that I get restless sleep and naps here and there.

Since my brother’s house caught on fire a few weeks ago, they stay over here most of the time and irritate the hell out of me. 3 little kids rummaging through my shit, infringing upon my privacy, and destroying some of my things, not to mention my brother eating up all the food in the house.

Then I go to a job that stresses me, my neck, and my back out. I’m constantly fucked over with 70+ lb packages or other people’s work. I complain and nothing gets done.  The only thing I can say about UPS is that they pay me on time and they paychecks aren’t half bad.  I’ve filled in applications for other companies and haven’t heard a word back yet.  So I’m stuck at UPS.

I get sick at the drop of a hat despite all the many prescribed medications I take. I take about 5 pills a day including vitamins.  The weather changes slightly and I get sick.  I go without sleep for a few days and I get sick.  I get wild headaches now too.  Before, the only reason I got a headache was because I didn’t sleep long enough.  Now I get them and they last for days despite sleep.  I’m lethargic all day every day.

The only thing I can do?…. garden. Because its winter, I can’t even do that. Drugs are starting to call me. I fight that urge on a daily basis. “just take something to relax.. just a little something to unwind”.. knowing damn well that I don’t know the meaning of “a little.”  I’d give my right tit for a Lortab.

Trichotillomania is kicking in so bad lately that I have no hair on my body. I’ve obsessively organized my entire room twice and I’ve started on other rooms. When I’m not doing that, I’m obsessing over flowers… I damn near know all major plant families. And my compulsions are getting old to me.  I fear what happens when I have nothing else to do.

Life is suffering, I embrace it.  I’m on my own, I can handle it.  I will never have friends, I accept that.  Miracles are concepts for those who can’t take pain, I can take it.  I don’t wish to be better anymore.