Categories of people vulnerable to having low self-esteem
*Children who were verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually abused
*Children who were not loved and accepted unconditionally either at home, at school or in the community
*Children of parents or grandchildren of grandparents who came from a codependent or dysfunctional family system
*Children of dependent parents (alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, shopping, sex)
*Children of workaholic parents
*Children of mentally ill parents
*Children raised in a high stress environment
*Children raised in an environment where feelings were not openly expressed, experienced, or welcome
*Children who have experienced the divorce of their parents
*Children who have experienced the loss of a parent or significant other in their childhood
*Children raised in an absolutist or fundamentalist environment
*Children raised in a family headed by a single parent due to divorce, death, or absence due to career
*Children who were abused emotionally or verbally in a school environment
*Adults who have been hurt badly in a relationship, in marriage, in school, at work, or in the community
*Adults who work in a codependent work environment
*Adults hurt in a relationship at work or in the community with someone and/or married to someone who is dependent (alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, shopping, sex
*Adults in a relationship with someone or married to someone who is a workaholic
*In a relationship with someone or married to someone who comes from a codependent family or work system
*Members of a family in which a child with a developmental disability is born and reared
*Members of a family in which a chronically ill family member is cared for
*Members of a family or work environment in which a compulsive individual lives
*Compulsive or dependent individuals once they are treated and enter recovery

How does Codependency a contribute to low self-esteem?
What is codependency?

Codependency is characterized by preoccupation and extreme dependency (emotionally, socially, and sometimes physically) on a person or an object. Eventually, this dependency becomes a pathological condition affecting the codependent in all other relationships.

Codependency is an illness. It is a chronic condition of behavioral compulsions, delusions, and of emotional denial and repression resulting in a lifestyle of low self-esteem, and a feeling of powerlessness that can lead to medical complications.

What are the three major symptoms of codependency?

* Denial: This is denial that the condition exists. The word “I” is never used, instead the third person is used in describing a problem. This can lead to a chronic state of delusion.
* Compulsions: Including smoking, eating, working, spending, alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, relationships.
* Problems in relationships: “Why am I always hurting in my relationships?” Problems result from the chronic state of repression of feelings.

What complications come from codependency?

1. Low self worth: I am not worthy of a better lifestyle.

2. Scarcity principle: It is better than what I’ve been used to, so I should be satisfied with what I’ve got. This results in perceived powerlessness: “I’d better not rock the boat.” Safety is survival.

3. Medical complications: Including ulcers, high blood pressure, colitis, heart problems, asthma, allergies, cancer, and any “closing down” of the body functions.

4. Repression: The unconscious “holding in” of feelings comes from the rules of repression in dependent high stress environments.

* Rules of Repression:
o            Never confront an authority!
o            Authority rests in the parents (teachers, bosses, leaders), no matter what.
o            Feel rotten inside, but never let others know how you feel.
* Repression results in feelings of:
o            Inadequacy, i.e., “never good enough”
o            Anger, i.e., feeling “locked up,” it is not nice to show anger.

Some of the negative consequences of low self-esteem to your lifestyle are:

*      Insecurity about who you are and lack of belief in yourself
*      Inability to open yourself to others and inability to trust others
*      Inability to make decisions because of confusion and fear of making a mistake or of disappointing others
*      Anxiety in the face of the need to change and the fear of change
*      Inability to have spontaneous fun or the inability to play for relaxation and pleasure
*      Problems in establishing intimacy with others and problems in interpersonal relationships
*      Lack of objectivity and openness to a variety of alternatives in decision making, and a tendency to resort to “black and white” judgments
*      Problems in handling anger, either by denying its impact on one’s life or by not being able to control it, thereby experiencing chronic hostility
*      Chronically affected by the need for approval and acceptance by others; affected by the fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, and disapproval
*      Excessive use of masks to hide true feelings; the use of exaggeration and lies in order to avoid conflict or disagreements
*      Inability to take direction from or to be controlled by others, rather to seek to control self and manage or direct others
*      Chronic seeking out of others for whom one can feel responsible
*      Inability to feel like one has done “good enough” on the job or at home; a tendency to be a workaholic
*      Inability to say one deserves “good things” in one’s life; a tendency to always place self last
*      Chronic sense of depression, discomfort, or inadequacy
*      Chronic sense of feeling different from others; keeping away and isolating oneself from others
*      Inability to reward oneself for one’s own goodness and accomplishments
*      Addiction to novelty, challenge, differences, risks, thrills
*      Addictive or compulsive behavior. e.g., alcoholism, chemical dependency, food, gambling, sex, excitement, money, shopping, smoking
*      Being overly serious, unable to see humor in one’s plight as a human being
*      An overriding sense of guilt and inadequacy
*      Inability to forgive and to forget past harms and hurts from others
*      Meeting others with similar problems and matching up with them in relationships
*      Inability to let go of problems, such as fear, guilt, anger, or other negative aspects in one’s life
*      Inability to tune into one’s own feelings, but usually able to identify and to be sensitive to the feelings of others
*      Inability to face one’s problems and the need to change, a tendency to use denial
*      Overreacting to things and acting impulsively, often getting oneself into problem situations which need lots of work to straighten out
*      Can be meticulous, fastidious, over demanding, and perfectionistic; or can be slovenly, lackadaisical, and irresponsible
*      Can become frustrated when realizing the magnitude of problems and the immensity of effort required to solve them
*      Often looks quite successful, happy, contents, healthy, and together to others; it comes as a shock to self and others that one actually has a problem and needs help

Low self-esteem as a illness
Low self-esteem meets the criteria for an illness or disease because:

Low self-esteem is uncontrollable in nature: People with low self-esteem feel insecure. They are not sure what normal is, and they are not comfortable with themselves or with others. They are experiencing behavior over which they have no control, just as a person with cancer has no control over the cancer. This uncontrollable nature of the behavior makes it an illness; therefore, the behavior is “sick” behavior.

Symptoms of low self-esteem have commonality and predictability: There is a commonality between people who behave this way based on their families of origin or current relationships, and there is a degree of predictability surrounding these behavior patterns. Commonality and predictability of the symptom behavior make it an illness and a condition to be treated as such.

Low self-esteem’s life cycle is describable: There is a describable and predicable pattern of the life cycle in persons with this condition. This pattern of life cycle makes it understandable as an illness or a disease, just like heart disease or cancer.

Low self-esteem is related to other diseases: One of the negative side effects of low self-esteem is that its victims often suffer high stress illnesses, such as ulcers, colitis, high blood pressure, heart disease, and cancer. Because there are other diseases related to this behavior, it fits the definition of an illness or disease.

Low self-esteem can be treated: There are definite treatment modalities, which, if applied, can lessen the symptomatology of these problems. Because it is susceptible to amelioration by an applied treatment, it fits the definition of an illness or disease.

Transgenerational transmission of low self-esteem: Low self-esteem as a state or being can be handed down and transmitted across generations. The ability to cross generations makes this an illness or disease that is highly contagious.

Low self-esteem is described in terms of severity of condition: This condition can be described in terms of degree of severity, just as a physical illness or disease. This is another reason why it is described and treated as an illness or disease.

Some conditions of low self-esteem are resistant to treatment: Certain strains of low self-esteem can be resistant to treatment or amelioration and, as such, require more dramatic interventions. Because these behaviors are not always amenable to a stereotyped treatment, it is an illness requiring an individualized approach to treatment.

Low self-esteem is a progressive condition: There is a course in the history of the illness from (1) incubation, (2) acute stage, (3) chronic state, (4) expiration. Because there is a progressive nature to this condition it fits into the illness or disease model for consideration, discussion, and treatment planning.

Low self-esteem can be a terminal condition, resulting in death through suicide, murder, accident, alcoholism, drug abuse, food disorder, heart disease, cancer, stroke, or some other form of physical breakdown. Because it can be terminal, it fits the description of an illness or disease.
Steps to overcoming low self-esteem
Step 1: Before you can take steps to clear up your case of low self-esteem, you must first find out its impact on you. Complete the Self-Esteem Inventory. Then read the Model of Self-Esteem to get a better understanding of concept of self-esteem. Then answer the following question in your recovery journal: What is the impact of low self-esteem on your life, and at what level do you have the condition?

Step 2: If your rating on the Self-Esteem Inventory was at the mild level or higher, proceed. Answer the following questions in your journal:

1. How is my life a reflection of the definition or codependent described in this chapter? What is the level of severity of this condition on my lifestyle?

2. How are the three major symptoms of codependency, described present in my life?

3. How does my behavior reflect my belief in the scarcity principle, which says my life is better than what I’ve been used to, so I should be satisfied with what I’ve got?

4. What medical complication of low self-esteem have I had, do I have, or do I have a propensity for having?

5. What are the specific negative lifestyle consequences of my condition?

6. What specific characteristics of my background, my previous history of relationships, my family of origin, and my previous work history make me a candidate for low self-esteem

7. On which specific symptomatic behavior traits of low self-esteem do I feel no control?

8. At what stage of the illness of low self-esteem do I believe I am? Why?

9. What steps have I taken to address the low self-esteem symptomatic behavior traits which I possess? How successful were these behavior traits treated, ameliorated, or cured?

Step 3: Now that you have a full description of your low self-esteem condition, answer the next ten questions in your journal to clarify your motivation to change or to treat your current behavior patterns:

1. How comfortable am I with the term “codependency?” If I don’t like the term, which term would be more acceptable to encourage me to get help for myself? Neurotic? Insecure?

2. How comfortable am I with the concept of my behavior traits being described as symptoms of an illness? If I don’t feel comfortable describing my behavior as “sick,” what term would be more acceptable to motivate me to change?

3. How comfortable am I with looking at my family of origin, schools I attended, work environments as the sources of my current problems? What alternative explanation of the origin of my problems is more acceptable to motivate me to get help?

4. How comfortable am I in looking at my problems? Do I deny their existence, both now and in the past? What steps am I willing to take to overcome denial of my problems?

5. How comfortable am I in expressing or experiencing my feelings regarding my problems? What would I prefer to have happen in order to help me address my problem behavior? What alternatives are offered to me in my circumstance? What if there aren’t any?

6. How angry am I getting in just reading this material and in answering there questions? What does this anger tell me about the presence of low self-esteem in my life.?

7. How guilty do I feel about the inference that my parents’ or spouse’s problems are a root of my current problems? How can I change this perception to a non- accusative, healing approach to treat my problems?

8. How easy is it for me to accept the reality that everyone does the best they can, given their level of knowledge and awareness of their problems; and that no one purposefully sets out to screw up or to make other people sick? What other rational beliefs so I need to develop in order to give myself permission to pursue the remediation of my low self-esteem?

9. How comfortable am I in accepting that I need help for my “sick” behavior when I have or am currently living with someone whom I believe to be really sick with alcoholism, compulsive eating disorders, drug abuse, compulsive gambling, or other compulsive disorders? What can be done to assist me in overcoming my loss of pride in order to accept my need for help?

10. What will my future look like if I don’t get help for my low self-esteem? What can be done to fully motivate me to get help for myself now?

Hopefully, answering these ten questions has motivated you to accept yourself as a person with low self-esteem who is in need of help and support. Go to Step 4.

Step 4: Once you have accepted the fact that you need help to treat your low self-esteem condition, try some of the following pathways. One, two, or more of them in combination may be “just what the doctor ordered” for your specific condition:

1.Enter into a support group which accepts the principles and philosophy of the Self-Esteem Seeker’s Anonymous (SEA’s) Program of recovery.

2. Enter into individual, marital, or family counseling with a licensed or certified mental health counselor.

3. Use the Tools for Coping Series as a self-help guide to reorganize your life.

4. Enter a 12 step program of recovery such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Over-eaters Anonymous or Alanon to address your compulsive behavior..

5. Enter into a support group for adult children of alcoholics (ACOA).

6.Read other self-help literature

7. Enter an alcohol, chemical dependency, or eating disorders residential or outpatient treatment program to address your compulsive problems.

8. Attend workshops or seminars on overcoming codependency and dysfunctional environmental issues.

Step 5: Once you have used the helping strategies in Step 4, you should be on the road to recovery from your low self-esteem. If you still feel stuck and not fully motivated to change, return to Step 1 and begin again.

If Your Partner Has Low Self-Esteem
If your partner is suffering from low self-esteem, then your job is to re-assure them. There is very little that cannot be cured by love, understanding and just being there for them. You should also be careful not to judge them or invalidate them for feeling the way they do. Bring back the romance in your relationship, show them how you feel about them and re-assure them that you love them no matter what. You should also softly encourage them to do the above steps. One of the best ways to do this is to do them for yourself and encourage your partner to help you or do them also.