Abuse creates toxic shame – the feeling of being flawed and diminished and never measuring up. Toxic shame feels much worse than guilt. With guilt, you’ve done something wrong; but you can repair that – you can do something about it. With toxic shame there’s something wrong with you and there’s nothing you can do about it; you are inadequate and defective. Toxic shame is the core of the wounded child. This meditation sums up the ways that the wonderful child got wounded. The loss of your I AMness is spiritual bankruptcy. The wonder child is abandoned and all alone.

My Name Is Toxic Shame

I was there at your conception. In the epinephrine of your mother’s shame. You felt me in the fluid of your mother’s womb. I came upon you before you could speak. Before you understood. Before you had any way of knowing. I came upon you when you were learning to walk. When you were unprotected and exposed. When you were vulnerable and needy. Before you had any boundaries.

I came upon you when you were magical. Before you could know I was there. I severed your soul. I pierced you to the core. I brought you feelings of being flawed and defective. I brought you feelings of distrust, ugliness, stupidity, doubt worthlessness, inferiority, and unworthiness. I made you feel different. I told you there was something wrong with you. I soiled your Godlikeness.

I existed before conscience. Before guilt. Before morality. I am the master emotion. I am the internal voice that whispers words of condemnation. I am the internal shudder that courses through you without any mental preparation.

I live in secrecy. In the deep moist banks of darkness depression and despair. Always I sneak up on you I catch you off guard I come through the back door. Uninvited unwanted. The first to arrive. I was there at the beginning of time.

I come from “shameless” caretakers, abandonment, ridicule, abuse, neglect – perfectionistic systems. I am empowered by the shocking intensity of a parent’s rage. The cruel remarks of siblings. The jeering humiliation of other children. The awkward reflection in the mirrors. The touch that feels icky and frightening. The slap, the pinch, the jerk that ruptures trust. I am intensified by. A racist, sexist culture. The righteous condemnation of religious bigots. The fears and pressures of schooling. The hypocrisy of politicians. The multigenerational shame of dysfunctional family systems.

I can transform a woman person, a Jewish person, a black person, a gay person, an oriental person, a precious child into. I bring pain that is chronic. A pain that will not go away. I am the hunter that stalks you night and day. Every day everywhere. I have no boundaries. You try to hide from me. But you cannot. Because I live inside of you. I make you feel hopeless. Like there is no way out.

My pain is so unbearable that you must pass me on to others through control, perfectionism, contempt, criticism, blame, envy, judgment, power, and rage. My pain is so intense. You must cover me up with addictions, rigid roles, reenactment, and unconscious ego defenses.My pain is so intense. That you must numb out and no longer feel me. I convinced you that I am gone – that I do not exist – you experience absence and emptiness.

I am the core of co-dependency. I am spiritual bankruptcy. The logic of absurdity. The repetition compulsion. I am crime, violence, incest, rape. I am the voracious hole that fuels all addictions. I am instability and lust. I twist who you are into what you do and have. I murder your soul and you pass me on for generations

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

by Leo Booth/John Bradshaw