Ability to speak for self
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You seldom address the issues that concern you the most. Whether it’s noisy neighbors or a raise you feel you deserve, you usually wait for someone else to bring it up. When someone treats you poorly, you often hesitate to speak openly. Letting people know you disagree with them is difficult since you generally lack self-assurance. However, if you act like you deserve respect, others will treat you accordingly.
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The rules of assertion
I have the right to:
1. Respect myself - who I am and what I do.
2. Recognize my own needs as an individual - that is separate from what is expected of me in particular roles, such as “wife”, “husband”, “partner”, “son”, “daughter”.
3. Make clear “I” statements about how I feel and what I think.
4. Allow myself to make mistakes. Recognizing that it is normal to make mistakes.
5. Change my mind, if I choose.
6. Ask for “thinking it over time”.
7. Allow myself to enjoy my successes, that is by being pleased with what I have done and
sharing it with others.
8. Ask for what I want, rather than hoping someone will notice what I want.
9. Recognize that I am not responsible for the behavior of other adults.
10. Respect other people and their right to be assertive and expect the same in return.

Here are some more guidelines for assertive delivery

* Acknowledge and be honest about your own feelings to yourself
* Adopt new positive inner dialogue for situations where you need to be more assertive
* Be clear, specific and direct in what you say
* If necessary, keep repeating your message if you encounter objections
* If necessary ask for clarification if you are uncertain about something
* If necessary, acknowledge diversion tactics, then again repeat your message
* Adopt appropriate body language to back up your assertion
* Keep calm and stick to the point
* Always respect the rights of the other person

And always ask yourself these questions

* How can I express my message more clearly?
* How can I be more specific about what I have to say?
* Am I likely to have to repeat my message? Will I feel comfortable doing this?
* Am I prepared to respond to their red herrings, and at the same time stick to my message?
* What body language will I use to back up my message?
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Ten assertive rights of an individual

Assertive Right #1: I have the right to judge my own behavior, thoughts, and emotions and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequence. The behavior of others may have an impact upon me, but I determine how I choose to react and/or deal with each situation. I alone have the power to judge and modify my thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Others may influence my decision, but the final choice is mine.

Assertive Right #2: I have the right to offer neither reason nor excuse to justify my behavior. I need not rely upon others to judge whether my actions are proper or correct. Others may state disagreement or disapproval, but I have the option to disregard their preferences or to work out a compromise. I may choose to respect their preferences and consequently modify my behavior. What is important is that it is my choice. Others may try to manipulate my behavior and feelings by demanding to know my reasons and by trying to persuade me that I am wrong, but I know that I am the ultimate judge.

Assertive Right #3: I have the right to judge whether I am responsible for finding solutions to others’ problems. I am ultimately responsible for my own psychological well-being and happiness. I may feel concern and compassion and good will for others, but I am neither responsible for nor do I have the ability to create mental stability and happiness for others. My actions may have caused others’ problems indirectly; however, it is still their responsibility to come to terms with the problems and to learn to cope on their own. If I fail to recognize this assertive right, others may choose to manipulate my thoughts and feelings by placing the blame for their problems on me.

Assertive Right #4: I have the right to change my mind. As a human being, nothing in my life is necessarily constant or rigid. My interests and needs may well change with the passage of time. The possibility of changing my mind is normal, healthy, and conducive to self growth. Others may try to manipulate my choice by asking that I admit error or by stating that I am irresponsible; it is nevertheless unnecessary for me to justify my decision.

Assertive Right #5: I have the right to say, “I don’t know.”

Assertive Right #6: I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them. To make a mistake is part of the human condition. Others may try to manipulate me, having me believe that my errors are unforgivable, that I must make amends for my wrongdoing by engaging in proper behavior. If I allow this, my future behavior will be influenced by my past mistakes, and my decisions will be controlled by the opinions of others.

Assertive Right #7: I have the right to be independent of the good will of others before coping with them. It would be unrealistic for me to expect others to approve of all my actions, regardless of their merit. If I were to assume that I required others’ goodwill before being able to cope with them effectively, I would leave myself open to manipulation. It is unlikely that I require the goodwill and/or cooperation of others in order to survive. A relationship does not require 100% agreement. It is inevitable that others will be hurt or offended by my behavior at times. I am responsible only to myself, and I can deal with periodic disapproval from others.

Assertive Right #8: I have the right to be illogical in making decisions. I sometimes employ logic as a reasoning process to assist me in making judgments. However, logic cannot predict what will happen in every situation. Logic is not much help in dealing with wants, motivations, and feelings. Logic generally deals with “black or white,” “all or none,” and “yes or no” issues. Logic and reasoning don’t always work well when dealing with the gray areas of the human condition.

Assertive Right #9: I have the right to say, “I don’t understand.”

Assertive Right #10: I have the right to say, “I don’t care.”

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What causes people to avoid being assertive?

Most people are not assertive for fear of displeasing others and of not being liked. However, although you may avoid some immediate unpleasantness by not being assertive, you could also jeopardize the relationship in the long run if you refuse to assert yourself and then feel taken advantage of over and over again.

How Assertive Are You?
Ask yourself the following questions.
* Do you ask for help if you need it?
* Do you express anger and annoyance appropriately?
* Do you ask questions when you’re confused?
* Do you volunteer your opinions when you think or feel differently from others?
* Do you speak up in class fairly frequently?
* Are you able to say “no” when you don’t want to do something?
* Do you speak with a generally confident manner, communicating caring and strength?
* Do you look at people when you’re talking to them?
*Do you feel like people walk all over you?
*Do you have trouble keeping your temper under control?
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What is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to honestly express your opinions, feelings, attitudes, and rights, without undue anxiety, in a way that doesn’t infringe on the rights of others.

* It’s not aggressiveness, it’s a middle ground between being a bully and a doormat.

* It’s dependent on a feeling of self-efficacy, a sense that if you behave in a certain way, something predictable will occur.

* Where does non-assertive behavior come from? Many of us are taught that we should always please and/or defer to others, that it is not nice to consider our own needs above those of others, or that we shouldn’t “make waves”, that if someone says or does something that we don’t like, we should just be quiet and try to stay away from that person in the future.

Why is Assertiveness Important?
If you don’t know how to be assertive, you might experience —
* Depression. From anger turned inward, a sense of being helpless, hopeless, with no control over your life.

* Resentment. Anger at others for manipulating or taking advantage of me.

* Frustration. How could I be such a wimp? Why did I let someone victimize me?

* Temper/violence. If you can’t express anger appropriately, it builds up until it blows
.
* Anxiety, which leads to avoidance. If you begin to avoid situations or people that you know will make you uncomfortable, you may miss out on fun activities, job opportunities, relationships, and lots of other good stuff.

* Poor relationships of all kinds. Non-assertive people are often unable to express emotions of any kind, negative OR positive. It’s

murder for a relationship when the partners can’t tell each other what they want and need and how the other person affects them. No one is a mind reader. The same is true for friendships and work relationships.

* Physical complaints. Headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure. We all know what stress does to our bodies, and assertiveness, when it becomes a habit, is a great stress reliever.

A note about selective assertiveness:
Most people find it easier to be assertive in some situations than in others. This makes perfect sense. It’s a lot easier to hold your ground with a stranger than with someone you love who might get angry if you express your true feelings. But the more important the relationship is to you, the more important it is to be assertive. Assertive behaviors lead to increased respect from others, their willingness to see you as a person who respects him/herself, a worthwhile person, a more loveable person!

Is assertiveness always the best way to go? Before you decide to act assertively in a given situation, you have to decide if you can live with the consequences. Although assertive behavior usually will result in a positive response, some people might react negatively to it.
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Techniques:
A: There are three parts of each assertive intervention:
1. empathy/validation: Try to say something that shows your understanding of the other person’s feelings. This shows them that you’re not trying to pick a fight, and it takes the wind out of their sails. From the above example, “I know that you get anxious when you’re all ready to go and I’m not … .”

2. statement of problem: This piece describes your difficulty/dissatisfaction, tells why you need something to change. For example, “… but when you do that, I get all flustered and take even more time. By the time we get in the car, we’re mad at each other and not much in the mood to have a good time.”

3. statement of what you want: This is a specific request for a specific change in the other person’s behavior. For example, “From now on, let’s be sure we know what time we want to leave, and if you’re ready before I am, will you please just go to another room and read the paper or watch TV?”

How to be effectively assertive:
* Use assertive body language. Face the other person, stand or sit straight, don’t use dismissive gestures, be sure you have a pleasant, but serious facial expression, keep your voice calm and soft, not whiney or abrasive.

* Use “I” statements. Keep the focus on the problem you’re having, not on accusing or blaming the other person. Example: “I’d like to be able to tell my stories without interruption.” instead of “You’re always interrupting my stories!”

* Use facts, not judgments. Example: “Your punctuation needs work and your formatting is inconsistent” instead of “This is sloppy work.” or “Did you know that shirt has some spots?” instead of “You’re not going out looking like THAT, are you?”

* Express ownership of your thoughts, feeling, and opinions. Example: “I get angry when he breaks his promises.” instead of “He makes me angry.” or “I believe the best policy is to…” instead of “The only sensible thing is to …”

* Make clear, direct, requests. Don’t invite the person to say no. Example: “Will you please … ?” instead of “Would you mind … ?” or “Why don’t you … ?”

* Broken record: Keep repeating your point, using a low level, pleasant voice. Don’t get pulled into arguing or trying to explain yourself. This lets you ignore manipulation, baiting, and irrelevant logic. Example: You are taking something back to a store that you know gives refunds, but the clerk first questions your decision, tries to imply that there’s something wrong with you because you changed your mind, tells you that she can only give a store credit, etc. Using the broken record, you walk into the store and say “I decided I don’t need this and I’d like my money back.” Then no matter what the clerk says, you keep repeating “I decided I don’t need this and I’d like my money back.” If she doesn’t get it, simply ask to speak to a manager and say the same thing. Trust me, it works!

* Fogging: This is a way to deflect negative, manipulative criticism. You agree with some of the fact, but retain the right to choose your behavior. Example: Mom: “Your skirt is awfully short, don’t you think you should wear longer skirts? They’re the style now.” You: “You’re right, skirts are longer now.” Agree with as much of the facts as you want to, but don’t agree to change your skirt length. Fogging is great for avoiding fights and making people stop criticizing. With significant others, when you need to keep living together, it’s best to quietly hear them out, then assertively give your response.

* Content to Process Shift:: This means that you stop talking about the problem and bring up, instead, how the other person is behaving RIGHT NOW. Use it when someone’s not listening or trying to use humor or a distraction to avoid the issue. Example: “You’re getting off the point. I’m starting to feel frustrated because I feel like you’re not listening.”

* Defusing: Letting someone cool down before discussing an issue. Example: “I can see that you’re upset, and I can even understand part of your reaction. Let’s talk about this later.” Also, if they try to stay with it, you always have the right to walk away.

* Assertive inquiry/stop action: This is similar to the content to process shift. “Let’s hold it for a minute, something isn’t working, what just happened?, how did we get into this argument?” This helps to identify the real issue when the argument is actually about something bigger than the immediate topic.
Example:
o “Can you help me with this statistics problem?
o Man, will you just get off my back? You know how much I have to do today!
o Why is it such a problem to take 15 minutes to help me with this? You told me last night that you would!
o I get so tired of you always asking me to do these things right when I’m in the middle of something!
o Whoa, let’s take a break here. How did we get from my stats problem to you being tired of my interruptions?”

* Summarization: This helps to make sure you’re understanding the other person. Example: “So what you’re trying to tell me is … .”

* Specificity: It’s really important to be very clear about what you want done. This helps prevent distractions. Example: “The thing I really wish is that you’d pick your clothes up off the floor.”
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One of the most common problems in communications is caused by trying to read people’s minds or expecting them to read yours. If you want people to respond to your ideas and needs, you have to be able to say what they are, and say it in a way that will make others want to respond nicely. Do you remember the self-efficacy part from the beginning of this piece? The belief that if you do something in a particular way, you will be effective? Even if you don’t believe that now, but you muster your courage and try some of these techniques in situations that are not hugely threatening, the results will probably be so encouraging that you will begin to believe in your effectiveness. If it’s really scary to think about being assertive, try it first with people you don’t know. Think of someone you know who is assertive and pretend you are that person. Once you become comfortable with assertive behaviors in less threatening situations, you can crank it up a notch and use it all the time. When assertiveness becomes a habit, you will wonder how you ever got along before you started using it. The nicest thing about all of this is that after you’ve become truly assertive, you probably won’t need to use these techniques very much. As people practice assertive communication, you can almost see that little spark of self-respect glimmer, flicker, take hold, and burst into flame. People can sense it when you respect yourself, and they will treat you with respect. And that is the ultimate goal of assertive communication.
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Six Myths which encourage nonassertive behavior

Myth #1 Anxiety: Some people believe that overt signs of anxious behavior indicate weakness or inadequacy. These individuals assume that if they were to exhibit anxiety, they would be ridiculed, rejected, or taken advantage of by others. This is self-defeating, for the harder people try to camouflage anxious feelings, the harder it is to conceal the accompanying symptoms of trembling, sweating, flushing, etc.

One method of reducing anxiety is to acknowledge that anxious feelings are present. One may discover that others experience similar feelings under certain circumstances. If people can disclose their feelings of discomfort safely, they will find it unnecessary to expend so much energy disguising them; therefore, the anxiety will no longer interfere with the task at hand or impair their ability to cope in life.

Myth #2 Modesty: This myth consists of three parts:

*(1) the inability to acknowledge or say positive things about oneself,
*(2) the inability to accept compliments from others and
*(3) the inability to give compliments to others.

Some people fear that positive self-statements seem egocentric. They fail to discriminate between the accurate representation of accomplishments and over exaggeration. Additionally, they may fear that once asserting themselves, they will have to live up to these expectations 100% of the time. Inability to self-disclose positively may hinder their opportunities. If they don’t believe in themselves, it is unrealistic to expect others to believe in them.

People who are unable to receive compliments are indirectly damaging their self-respect. After several unsuccessful attempts, most people trying to give genuine compliments will hesitate, feeling uncomfortable in giving positive feedback. The intended recipient of the praise, no longer hearing positive feedback, may begin to question their self-worth.

Sometimes others may use insincere praise as a manipulative tool (”You are such a great worker; by the way, could you cut the lawn.”) However, assuming that all positive feedback is insincere, manipulative, or misleading will hinder both the development of a healthy lifestyle and a positive self-concept. Positive feedback is a powerful tool in this sense.

Some people are unable to provide others with positive feedback. They may be unaware of the potential positive effects, e.g., greater rapport or satisfaction in life. Sometimes others have difficulty delivering praise because they fear making themselves vulnerable. They may be unable to elicit feelings easily and openly. Perhaps this is an alien behavior because they have never received positive feedback themselves. Or, maybe there is a risk involved in developing more honest, open relationships.

For whatever reason, modesty does not enhance mutually satisfying, spontaneous interpersonal relationships.

Myth #3 Good Friend: This myth assumes that others can read my mind based upon our past relationship, e.g.: “She should have known how I felt;” or, “My husband should have known how hard I have been working and given me Saturday morning free.”

Lack of good, facilitative communication is apparent here. One must remember that individuals don’t always respond in the same manner to the same situation.

This type of expectation will undoubtedly lead to guilt, resentment, hurt feelings, and misunderstanding within a relationship, assuming that others have known you long enough to know your mind or how you are thinking.

Myth #4 Obligation: This myth indicates that some people disregard their personal needs and rights due to a belief in personal obligations to others. These people put others ahead of themselves. Obviously the others’ needs cannot always be met; however, those who routinely neglect to express their needs and rights, and who find themselves imposed upon quite frequently, are being restrained by this belief in the myth of obligation. They are often unable to make requests of others they project that others feel the obligation to meet their needs, too.

This myth, along with the others, facilitates neither self-respect nor the development of open, healthy relationships.

Myth #5 Gender role myths: Sometimes people behave in a particular manner due to various gender role expectations. This has been especially true for women. Is it feminine to be assertive or outspoken? The myth of obligation fits into this category, too. Due to erroneous expectations, many women are unable to refuse requests, even unreasonable ones. This may be true regardless of whether the request would interfere with their needs and rights.

Men have been encouraged to act upon their needs and rights aggressively, to fill the “macho” or “controlling” role in a relationship. Gender role expectations can color behavior, often to the opposite extreme. Some men may be inappropriately passive, while social pressures often call for men to take an aggressive stand.

Gender role expectations limit people’s options for acting appropriately upon their beliefs, needs, and rights. They close the door to spontaneous, sincere interactions.

Myth #6 Strength of an issue: It is sometimes risky to take a stand, even on issues about which people might feel quite strongly. It may be interpreted as pressuring others to accept one’s beliefs, especially when discussing a controversial issue. People may not choose to take the risk of alienating themselves from others.

People who cannot discuss their beliefs assertively are closing the door to honest expression. The opportunity for a potentially stimulating exchange, which may afford them an opportunity for self-growth, will not happen.