I haven’t written since Aug 26th.. not online, not on paper, not through art. Since I said I would at least try not to be self-destructive, I guess I’ll write. I’ve gone through the death of my grandmother, a bad break-up, pets dying, and I was in the hospital twice and my family thought I might not make it. Truth is, I don’t care whether I make it or not. I’m so depressed that I continue to get deathly ill. I cried every single day for 3 months.. now I’m down to once a week and I’m not even a “crier.” Last sickness, which was less than 2 weeks ago was meningitis. I had to stay in the hospital for 2 days. Can’t wait to get that doctor bill.

I tried living the rollergirl lifestyle for a while but to no surprise, I don’t really fit in. I’ve tried going to all of the parties, the bars, promotion gigs and although I may have gotten better at socializing, I still have no friends. I can always say that I got some exercise and something to do until I tore my ACL in the middle of my first bout (which was a month ago). I dropped a good 3 dress sizes and I continue to lose weight since I’m sick half the time. I’ll probably quit derby and only be a volunteer because the social aspect is excrutiatingly difficult for me. I keep getting the comment that I’m not doing enough but I can’t do anymore than what I’m doing.. Hell, I can’t even continue to do that. I have no hope for making friends.. none, so I’m done trying. I blame no one for this and have no problems with a particular derby girl.

My boss decided to quit so she can go back to school so now we’re screwed. Since my knee is partially torn, I have to worry about them sending me down to load trucks. I don’t get the hours I used to and I have to start looking for another job. My job has been threatened numerous times, I’ve been sexually harassed to the point of fear (reminded me of past situations) and since I don’t sleep anymore, its hard waking up at 3 am. Nobody’s hiring right now so I have to put up with it. Plus, since I keep getting sick I have to have insurance. I’m about to have a fight any day now at work.

I haven’t really had a good night’s sleep in 7-8 months. Insomnia is kicking so bad that it’s effecting my health. I often feel light-headed and sometimes I swerve all over the road on my way to work. If I do get more than 4 hrs of sleep, I end up having the worst nightmares. I have obsessive thoughts about getting into a car wreck. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stay asleep for more than 4 hrs at a time. I often go 4-5 days without any sleep.

I fell out with my doctors 5 months ago and haven’t been to therapy since. I picked up Trichotillomania because my anxiety as at an all new high. My counselor went behind my back and told my psychiatrist that I was pulling the hair out of my head (not true.. otherwise I’d be bald right now) and they tried to put me on more meds that I didn’t need. When I found out, I left and haven’t been back since. I need to be in therapy because I’m worse off now than when I originally started therapy and I’m getting worse in my thinking because I’m losing all hope. I could call the insurance company and get another therapist but it’s something I’m procrastinating since it causes alot of anxiety for me to ask for help. Plus, I’m to the point where I think I might be beyond help or that therapy won’t work for me. Or at least that’s what I tell myself that talks me out of making that phone call. Then there’s the fact that I maxed out my insurance last year because I went to therapy every week for about 4 months and I’m no quick fix. Turns out I have extremely low self esteem, I have issues with my family and the way other people do me, I have a suicidal personality, little support, I can’t relate to people and I feel detatched most of the time. There was discussion that I consistantly sabotage myself and I harm myself. I know all of this about myself but don’t know how to remedy any of it on my own. I ask for help but nobody knows what to do other than a trained therapist. It’s estimated that I’ve already used a good portion of my insurance up already from my latest hospital visit so I might not be able to go to therapy for a year. I can’t take another year of this.

My car broke down and its gonna cost about $1000 to fix. Money I don’t have.

And I haven’t been laid in 7 months. I haven’t even been touched in any physical way in months.

And I’m done… I’ll be over on Myspace.