How the “Negative Snowball” Works

1. If you start out with low self-confidence, you’re less likely to
take on challenges or try new things.
2. On the rare occasion that you try to accomplish something your low
self-confidence can sabotage your efforts, and you’re much less likely
to succeed.
3. Your lack of success reinforces your low self-confidence.
4. Then, it’s back to step 1, and the cycle repeats, limiting your
ability to live a better life.

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The value lies in the appreciation. One of the most controversial questions I ask in my live keynote presentations is “Can money buy happiness?” Audience members almost always have sharply divided views on this. In the end, money, time, effort all buy us happiness only to the extent that we really appreciate what they bring. For instance, buy a big, shiny, new SUV and feel great. Drive it as if it was just another car we’ve owned - as most of do a few months later — and it ceases to bring happiness (even though we continue to slave to make the money to pay the car loan!)

Appreciation is like listening. We can listen without really hearing and we can appreciate without really getting value. You may have heard of the difference between passive and active listening (most people are not too good at active listening). It is just as important to actively appreciate. It is the “active” that brings us value. That’s what we mean by “count your blessings”. We’ll consider some ideas for active appreciation in section four below.

There is so much we can do to appreciate … to ensure that we get value for what we put into life. Do you see the glass as half full or half empty, … or do you revel in a glass that always seems to be full or even overflowing?

Reserve five minutes each day to walk around your house and pick two or three things you take for granted — the carpet, soap, a spice rack, a pencil — and really appreciate it. Close your eyes. Think about how you use the object, how you benefit, how life would be different without it.

There are two possible benefits to this tip. First, by focusing on how this object makes your life better, you appreciate it more � you count your blessings. The pencil may add utility to your life, regardless. But only in recognizing that utility can it bring you satisfaction and value.

Second, you may recognize that the object brings you no benefit … that it is just taking space and collecting dust and that you really should be giving it the ol’ heave ho! (Getting rid of “clutter” has the added benefit that it lets you focus your appreciation on the items that really can bring you happiness).

You are unique.I am unique.Every one of us is unique.Sure, we have much in common just by the fact that we are all human beings. And overall we share common emotional chords and psychological reactions. But we are not the same. Your strength might be my weakness. Your like might be my dislike. Your friend might be my enemy.One thing we all share is the tremendous pressure to conform. It has always been this way, and it is not just Western society. Take a close look at most societies and watch how conformist they are. It is simply human nature at work. To a great degree, we need to conform. We need to fit in. After all, human beings are social animals.

But most of us take it too far. We move past a desire to fit in and tumble right into anxiety over being different. Nowhere is this more obvious than when we see skinny women trying to lose weight and look like the anorexia-driven models on TV.

Or by people who fret over how they look or what they are wearing before going out to dinner. If we show up at an event “under-dressed”, most of us will feel self-conscious. But a happy person should not feel too out of place. If we show up “overdressed”, most of us would probably feel just a touch out of place, but not overly. If we show up at an event “undressed” … OK, that’s when you need to feel really self-conscious.

Again, let me stress that this is not a black and white issue. It is normal and even healthy to want to fit in (although, as you will read in Climb your Stairway to Heaven: the 9 habits of maximum happiness, eccentrics tend to score higher than conformists on happiness scales), but it is not healthy to WORRY about fitting in. It is not healthy to feel like our differences from others or from some projected image makes us substandard in any way.

What we need are personal cheerleaders to build our self-esteem. And we are in luck. Check out the special announcement below.

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?? QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF ??

Do I really like the person I see in the mirror? Do I really accept what I appear to be?

If I show up at an event “over dressed” or “under-dressed”, how out of place do I feel?

To what extent do I allow myself to be me, and to what extent do I let others or society define who I am (or who I feel I should be)?

Do I have any eccentricities? Should I develop any?
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FOUR PRACTICAL TIPS for building self-esteem

1. How about placing a sign on the mirror: “Hail wonderful me!”. You’ll see a whole new image of yourself.

2. Make a conscious decision on what areas of life, or even on what details, you will compromise to feel like you fit in or to gain acceptance, and on which areas or details you really must be yourself to, well, be yourself.

3. If you find yourself making comparisons to impossibly skinny models, impossibly rich tycoons or impossibly witty comedians — and your self-esteem is squirming — try comparing yourself to Howard Stern instead.

4. Try wearing something just a little outrageous, either on yourself or your home.
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“Nobody can be just like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.” –Tallulah Bankhead
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Success and happiness are unarguably our Holy Grails, but the standards
taught to find them are all wrong. We have been brainwashed into
believing that the only way to achieve this elusive combination of success and
happiness is through setting goals. This is simply not true. In fact,
goal-setting is often the shortest route to discontentment. Fifty eight
percent of those I surveyed say that they are consciously sacrificing
today’s happiness in the belief that achieving their goals will bring
fulfillment. Sadly, 41 percent say that each goal achieved brings
little, if any, satisfaction, despite all the hard work. So, what do they do?
They set another goal. This creates a perpetual cycle of sacrifice and
disillusionment. What is the solution?

After interviewing hundreds of people and surveying thousands I
discovered that the most passionate, creative, and sometimes wealthiest people
live free from the burden of traditional goals. Instead, they have mastered
the rare skill of enjoying “now” rather than delaying gratification until
the future.

Goals are not inherently bad, but many individuals have an unhealthy
relationship with their goals, distorting this potentially helpful tool
into a surefire recipe for failure. Why?

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We are made to be self-correcting, so that each real correction effected in us elevates us above the dark and limiting influences we have been living under all our lives. Like moving from a hot desert to a cool mountain retreat, each discovery of what darkens our path in life moves us toward higher, happier ground. And though we may not yet understand how this works in us, each time we catch a glimpse of one of our character shortfalls, we do so by the grace of a Living Light — a latent force for perfection that lives within us. And this same Higher Intelligence asks us, by its very presence within us, to see ourselves in its light. Through its illumination we discover that it is not negative to see the negative in us since it is the perfectly positive that makes this kind of seeing into ourselves possible. But we must be good patients!

When it comes to seeing the truth of our lives, the late, great author Vernon Howard taught those who would listen that “The medicine is bitter, but it heals.” If we would heal the hidden hurt in us then we must learn that the initial bitterness of self-truthfulness is the frontrunner of our ultimate spiritual betterment. Our work is to concede to the bright prescription of higher self-honesty, regardless of how it tastes to us in those moments when we see ourselves as we are.

Remember, authentic self-healing must begin with truthful self-seeing. Just as the rising sun dismisses our fears of imagined dangers hidden in the darkness of night, higher consciousness of any unwanted condition must precede its correction. For those who would be free, the choice must be to see. Now, here is one last important insight. It will help keep you safe and strong throughout your entire journey as you uncover the undiscovered parts of yourself.

Whenever we see something in us that is cruel, selfish, or otherwise self-destructive, our first temptation is to hand ourselves over to another dark state called self-condemnation. Most people will tell you it feels natural to first judge and then loathe ourselves when we stumble over some secret ugliness in our heart. But we must avoid falling into this trap of secret self-torment. Its nature is actually self-torture. Here is how we succeed:

In these times of trial, we need only remember that the Living Light never shows us anything in ourselves that it hasn’t already started to change for us — if we will only let It! This is the hidden meaning behind that timeless spiritual instruction “Let go and let God.”

Guy Finley

We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are. - Anais Nin