It is not easy to live life sometimes
And face the world with a smile when you’re crying inside.
It takes a lot of courage to reach down inside yourself,
Hold on to that strength that’s still there,
And know that tomorrow is a new day-with new possibilities.
But if you can just hold on long enough to see this through,
You’ll come out a new person-stronger,
With more understanding and with a new pride in yourself
From knowing you made it.

- Kathy Obara

“When you have the qualities of focus, patience, and the ability to withstand physical pain, you’re a bad motherfucker.” ~Deltrice

Just had a conversation with myself on that. I be dat bad mawfucka. I can focus my way through anything. Once you conquer focus, the other 2 qualities are a piece of cake. I’ve always been able to override physical pain – I have a high threshold for it. I’ve conquered everything from headaches to hunger pains to stomach aches to burns. None of them phased me too much and once you conquer it mentally, the physical doesn’t seem to matter all that much. It’s all about mind over matter. The true question is why test yourself like that? I haven’t come to a valid answer to that yet. Maybe I feel like I deserve it. Why? I don’t know. I’ve felt like this at least since I was 10 y/o and I’ve been dealing with it ever since.

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Ok..once again I couldn’t sleep so I just browsed around a lil bit.

ArtNomad

I just woke up from a weird dream. We were in my grandma’s house and it was wildly decorated. We (Me, Sherita, and some other ppl that I don’t know) were all sittin around a table readin kindergarten books. Just before we started readin, I came up behind this dude and started huggin on him. I kept getting all up in his face, scootin his chair next time mine, starin in his face and stuff like that. I think I was scarin/intimidatin him. Tha thing that stuck out about him was that he had an annoying voice. It was high pitched… higher than mine. He read his book first, which made tha other guys mad and at the end of his story he signed tha book right next to my mom’s signature. I also remember my daddy was sittin on the couch. When I woke up I kept sayin that tha dude in my dream was Will. Didn’t look like him though… this was a younger cat who looked like he was 13 or somethin. I used to dream about my g-ma’s house a lot but it never looked like that. Everything was exaggerated. Also in another dream I had last night I was riding a bike down a major street (had that one more than twice). I’m dreamin again! woo hoo!

INTERPRETATIONS:
I dream about my g-ma’s house a lot and I think it has to do with a certain feeling but I can’t place it.

You can anticipate slow but steady progress and a calm pleasant life ahead if books were the main feature of your dream.

Signatures other than your own signify long-term loyalty from friends and/or associates.

A bicycle represents assistance in your endeavors, so to interpret the meaning of your dream, you must consider whether you were riding it, pushing it, etc., also whether you were going uphill, on the flat, or downhill, the appearance and/or condition of the bike as well as details of location, weather, etc. All vehicles symbolize our passage through the journey of life. Since the bicycle is usually acquired earlier in life than a car, it could be pointing out some of your adolescent tendencies. Riding a bicycle in your dream may symbolize a need for balance and hard work in order for you to succeed in a current endeavor. Some think that the bicycle could also represent your need for some type of assistance.

I had to go and get all sentimental and cry and shit last night. I ended up fallin asleep around what?..3 am? and I had a weird dream. At the end, My momma pulled outta her parkin space and said she left it for me. I came behind her and was tryin to park my car. It turned into a toy jeep. An old white lady pulled up and had red horns on top of her car. She got out, threw her cigarette on tha ground, and we started fighting. I clocked her in tha face wit my purse a couple of times (I don’t carry a purse in real life) but it didn’t seem to phase her. She whooped my ass..lol. She grabbed my face and tried to gouge my eyes out. Right then, I woke up… 7 am on tha dot (which is in the period u have a good time to have psychic dreams). Btw, I haven’t seen 7 am in years.

I think tha whole dream stems from a convo I had wit myself last night. How there’s a negative and positive part of me. I think everybody has that but mine are extreme. One dislikes the other and they often conflict. The negative parts wins more than the positive. A good thing is that is that now-a-days I can pick myself up from a low spot in a short amount of time whereas before I would stay down for weeks if not months. I dunno if that says I’m improving or not cuz it’s still wit me.

I thought about how I wanted to tell my parents they raised me with the same confliction. Not to worry about money but if I have none, I can’t say shit. I’m koo but I’ll never be (insert good quality) as other girls. How I’m not happy like I used to be. Then I got to thinkin about how other ppl said I didn’t care enough. I don’t care enough about family, friends, basically no one but myself. I care about me first… that’s what they think but it’s not true. I care about family, which includes my momma and daddy. I care about my friends so much it hurts me sometimes. I care about a lot… just not enough as other ppl. My mother went to Cincy and hit it big, I showed NO emotion. My brother was goin through some shit wit money and I yelled at him askin him where was my money. Ppl dyin, I wouldn’t cry. Think I got some of that outta me yesterday.

Thoughts that just crossed my mind.

I said once, “My daddy’s avoiding me but it’s nothin new cuz he never paid attention to me anyway.”

Me and Ray had a fight once over some petty shit. Once again it was blamed on me and my character. I stopped talkin to him for a week and we’re both Aries (aka stubborn), so neither one of us would apologize. During that time, I’ve never felt so lonely… he was my only friend. He called me at tha end of the week and acted like nothin happened and we became friends again.

I once had a dude tell me he loved me and he wanted me to move with him outta state one day. What bullshit. I never told him I loved him back (cuz I didn’t). Wasn’t my fault though.

My parents made a koo observation last night that everybody I had problems with had more authority than I did. “More authority” = boss or teacher. They said I intimidated them. I dunno how.

How ya like my rollercoaster of emotions? I was lookin back ova journal entries and I was happy 1 minute and down tha next. Melancholy to creative and optimistic..and tha shit don’t stop.

Aight, i’m goin for breakfast

I’ve always said that if I could have an animal spirit guide or become an animal it would be a dragonfly. I really didn’t know the reasoning behind that answer but I thought it’d be koo to do a lil research and find out myths and legends about the dragonfly. Here’s tha research!

The dragonfly is the essence of the winds of change, the messages of wisdom and enlightenment, and the communications from the elemental world. He teaches us to apply the art of illusion to our own questions and situations – to remember things are never completely as they seem. Dragonfly rides the winds of change, and inhabits three realms – born in water, maturing to exist in air – while also being comfortable on land. It teaches us to look at the illusionary facade we accept as reality. The shifting movement, energy, form, and color of its iridescent wings open vague memories – reminding us of alternative perspectives. Dragonfly is the essence of change, the messages of enlightenment and wisdom. It also brings communication from the elemental world, nature spirits. Dragonfly asks us to look at the habits we need to change, guides us through the mists of illusion – is the gatekeeper to the pathway of transformation.
Dragonflies also symbolize whirlwind, swiftness and activity. The dragonfly is an important insect in Zuni legend, where they are shamanistic creatures with supernatural powers. In Japan, they are revered and respected, being symbolic of happiness, strength, courage and success.

I feel like I’m being pulled in different directions
I can stop the entanglement but I chose not too
To let go is to let go of myself
The choice is mine

I’m sorry you feel the way you do. Just know that I am always here for you and I always have been. So many times I didn’t say what I should have but I didn’t want you to be surprised with pain. I’ve taught you to expect the worse but I was wrong. I let u build walls around yourself and I know things are hard for you now. I know how it feels to think that you bare other’s pain..how you think you can’t live up to certain expectations. I know how it feels to think you have no purpose. I share your fears but they must be conquered. I don’t want you to be the kind of person I was. I’ve made mistakes by doubting you in the past. I recognize that I was wrong and my words held you back and I can only hope that these words push you forward.

None of your thoughts are childish..none of them are inferior. I’ve heard everything you said and I’d like to offer a bit of advice. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re somethin you’re not. You’ve always been a friend to me and I don’t think of you as inferior.. I want you to change for the better. I want you to grasp every opportunity. I know you can accomplish great things and even if you don’t, I’ll still be here and won’t think the worse of you. All I want is for you to be happy in your own way. I want you to live your life to it’s fullest potential and have everything YOU desire. Sittin on your ass waiting on things to come won’t do any good. Use me as your motivation and know that I support almost anything you do.

I admire your persistence. It led you this far, don’t let that quality weaken. Confide in me and I will confide in you. We’ll have no secrets and no lies. I’ve never fluffed up the truth for you and I’ve never told you what u wanted to hear. Only the truth slips from my mouth. I don’t condemn you for anything that you are, I love you for it. I like the progress you’re making and nobody can say that you aren’t improving. I see you evolving everyday. Nothing you feel or anything that you do could ever make you a bad person unworthy of love. I’d do anything for you… all you have to do is let me know. And when nobody’s there for you, I’ll be there. Find comfort in me.

You KNOW I got much love for you,
~ Myself

1. What is something you dislike about yourself?

That I hold myself back

2. What is something you do well?

Write

3. What is your favorite room in your home and why?

My room. It’s so personable, comfortable, and gives me a good vibe.

4. What is the worst thing parents can do to their children?

Ignore them

5. What is your favorite time of day?

Anytime at night. Specifically around 9pm

6. What is your idea of a dull evening?

Goin somewhere I don’t have any friends and being left out.

7. What is something you are optimistic about?

Staying true to myself and eventually doin what I want in life.

8. What is something you are pessimistic about?

Being lonely

9. What is your most indispensable possession and why?

Childhood toys. I don’t play with them anymore

10. What is your favorite song and why?

“Everybody wanna luv somebody” by Playa. I like the lyrics and the way the song was put together. It’s my all time fav song.

11. What is the best birthday present you ever received?

Had all my friends come over and we had a party.

12. What is the best birthday present you could receive?

To have all of my loved ones wish me a happy b-day in person

13. What is something that makes you feel sad?

Thinkin that I’ll be alone for a long time. Also thinkin that things are my fault.

14. What is something that really bugs you?

Ppl that are mean to others for no valid reason

15. What is something that really makes you angry?

Ppl thinking they can manipulate me

16. What is the best advice you ever received?

“Be yourself” and “Fuck those who don’t like it”

17. What is your favorite holiday? What makes this holiday special?

Used to be X-mas but now-a-days it’s Halloween cuz u get to eat candy and dress up. (I always go as myself..lol)

18. What is your favorite day of the week?

Sunday. Everything’s on TV.

19. What is your favorite month? Why?

April. My birth month, it’s springtime, and it rains a lot.

I know I’m a strong and stubborn person. One can get in the way of the other. I always wanted to dig deeper into the picture than what was told to me. I think thas a good attribute. If my parents told me one thing I HAD to see it for myself. In the word stubborn I see determined. …so let’s change my verbiage. I’m a strong and determined person. Yeah that sounds better. Some ppl make me feel too strong though. Like I won’t shed a tear, I don’t give a fuck, I don’t need a man ever… just straight up hardcore and bitter. Actually, baby bro pointed that out today (tha hardcore part). I said somethin (don’t remember) and he started to say “well..maybe u need to change ur image.” I thought he meant I wasn’t girly enough but I don’t know what tha hell he meant by that. Over tha years he’s said alot of stuff to that effect. I come from a family of strong women and I don’t know any other way to be, so imma do me. I can’t help but think that I intimidate some ppl, particulary men. And what i got from “be more girly” is to dress like C. I’ll be damned if i look like I’m goin to the club at any momment or if I show so much clevage and wear tight shit cuz that’s not tha way I wanna be looked at. Dudes gockin at me and thinkin of me as a piece of ass doesn’t exactly make me feel more girly but whateva floats ya boat. I do think that u present a certain image to ppl that u want them to see. I guess I want ppl to think of me that way (strong). Who knows?

In most situations, if I know u and am comfortable with u, I’m a koo person to be around. Just today I had tha crew on the phone takin those quizzes with me. We found them interesting and wanted to see if the results rang some kind of truth. Most did and some didn’t but it was still fun. I’m always doin shit like that. I love to see how other ppl think as if I were some kind of psychologist. Seein how ppl think/react to certain things lets me know what kind of person u are. I’m glad I have so many opinionated and open-minded ppl around me. My professor said once that u make friends based on what u wanna be or u take from them an attribute that u wanna have. All of my friends are outgoin, down-to-earth, chill ppl and always have been. What do they wanna take from me?

I thought about becomin a psychologist once. I think it’d be a koo job since I do that kind of stuff anyways. I used to always have somebody comin to me askin what should they do. I’m a good listener. Always koo to talk with even if I don’t say much. I say what I need to say and try to be straight to the point about what I think. But this is not always true. Sometimes I’m so scared to hurt ppl’s feelings by tellin them the truth… (more on that another day).

I’m a go-with-the-flow type of person. “U wanna go with me?” sure..lemme throw on some clothes, I’ll be right there. That was the usual conversation… “U should try this…” aight..i’ll do it. But don’t get me wrong, I know my boundaries.

Artsy can be a word to describe me as well. I’m into poetry, art, humanities, neo-soul stuffs, nature…shit like that. I haven’t really explored it though. I tend to be a daydreamer. I have some wild ass thoughts. I don’t know if anybody else thinks tha way i do (I really think it’s just me) but I set most thoughts up in scenarios. Say I’m feelin a lil talkative but nobody’s around. I’ll solve that by thinkin about a situation where i can talk. I’ll imagine talkin on tha phone and think about their responses, my responses, if i wanna share that in reality, and what my convo meant. More often if I’m havin a problem I’ll map it out. If I did this, then this could happen. I’ll go through all the scenarios I can think of and come up with the one I actually end up doin. Sometimes I’ll do more fantasy type stuff. Say I’m in tha passenger seat of a car and we roll up to a stop light. A guy pulls up to the stop light right next to me. I’ll set up another situation. What if he rolled down his window and said this? I would say this and this would happen. That keeps me busy for hours upon hours. Did it for 8 hrs once. I’m just a visual person.

I’m a stern (?) person. My homegurl just made a comment the other day that I look like I’m always ready to beat a bitch’s ass…lol. I’ve been told that before. That’s hardly the case. I don’t go around lookin for any more drama than I have to. Damn… ALOT of ppl told me that though. I think it’s the eyebrows..lol. Momma says I need bangs or somethin. She said they make me look cute. I think they make me look like a 5 yr old but since I already look 16, might as well go all the way and look really young so I can pull those 11 y/o suga daddies. Naw but I don’t know why I look mad most of the time. I know that sometimes when I think, I guess I frown up. I can be thinkin about puffy clouds and puppies and somebody will say “U were in a deep thought huh?”..I gotta do somethin about that deep thinkin expression on my face. They probably thought I was thinkin about glock 9s and tha fate of the world or somethin..lol. Couldn’t be more false. (talkin on tha phone to homeboy) He said that it’s so sad that alot of ppl didn’t get to know the real me. They only got a certain part of me (what i thought u wanted to see) and I leave tha rest up to u. If u wanted to know more, I would try show u more. It IS sad that ppl don’t know my range. And I know for certain that I missed out on opportunities because I’m like that. But Imma be honest, I’m not changin that quality. If u wanna know more, lemme know.
That’s my thinkin.

What makes somebody fashionably in or out? Is it fashionably in to have a lot of friends, drive the right car, or have a certain image? Why have i found loopholes? Throughout my life, I’ve had these questions. They didn’t make or break me but it’s an interesting thought.

I’m a floater..always have been. The type of person to say fuck it to any situation in which I have to give a good effort. In school, it wouldn’t have made a whole lot of difference if i was never there..well..until Jr year in high school. I ditched constantly (if i was there), walked outta classes, neva really talked, and thought I had no friends. But I made no effort and I think I have a habit of remember negative things before the positive.

I had friends..I know a lot of ppl but I don’t have a lot of close friends. Shit, I only have 1 right now..same nigga thas been wit me for the last 5 yrs. And I love that dude for that…thas why I call him my baby brother. I skated right through school..hell, right through life and sometimes I think I had it either harder than it should have been or too easy. (more on that another day)

I have my own style..I doubt it’s fashionable but it’s mine. I have a different type of attitude from my friends…kinda weird but everybody keeps tellin me I’m koo and interesting. (That quiet chick that u might have to watch..still koo though) I don’t fit tha usual stereotypes too often..and I’m glad I don’t. I try not to be stereotypical.

And all this leads me to wonder what makes a person become the kind of person they are? Experience?..Temperament?..How others view u?..More importantly..how u view urself?

Experience…I haven’t had much..I pretty much keep to myself. I live vicariously through my friends and learn from their mistakes. I don’t venture out enough to make a whole of my own mistakes but I learn from them too.

Temperament…it’s probably slow to warm up.

How others view u? …A lot of ppl give me due props. They tell me I’m smart, I can go places, it’s ok to be me, I can do whateva I set my mind to.

How I view myself? I believe I got a lil book smarts, a lil street smarts, a lot of common sense, Imma be me (don’t know any other way), and I CAN do whateva I set my mind to. I just lack motivation half tha time. (workin on that) I often lose sight of what I’ve accomplished, what I’m capable of, and which direction I’m tryin to go. That’s when my negativity comes into play. (workin on that too)

So what kind of person does that make me? 1 unique individual? I dunno but I’ll figure out one day what makes a person who they are and it might help me understand myself better.

“We don’t need more money, we don’t need greater success or fame, we don’t need the perfect body or even the perfect mate. Right now, at this very moment, we have a mind, which is all the basic equipment we need to achieve complete happiness.”

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. Some ppl (Tha baby’s daddy and some others) kept sayin that I should have an abortion but I was too far along in the pregnancy. I kept cryin and thinkin that I failed ppl’s expectations of me.

Interpretations:
A dream of being pregnant symbolizes an aspect of your personality or personal life that is growing and developing, but is not yet ready to be talked about or acted on. It represents the birth of a new idea, direction or goal. New life. Creativity. Prepared to produce something. Dreams about being pregnant usually indicate a new project is ‘around the corner’ in your life.

Had a convo on the phone wit Will. Today’s his b-day.. Happy B-day!!! We talked for a while too…it was all good. I enjoy talkin on the phone, even if I can’t find a lot to speak about. My daddy says I should get the phone surgically placed on my head…there’s an idea

One question that came up was “Why do I mistrust ppl so much?” I don’t really know. Could it be because I have so many “deceitful” ppl around me that I figure everybody’s like that? I’ll write it out tomorra. Too lazy to think right now.
I’m goin to bed.

EI

Mood ring is dark purple = at ease, lovable.

I was in a village under attack. *Don’t really remember that part of the dream* I walked outside and write a D in tha sand
**Scene change**
I wrote a D in my driveway. I was signin my name on a pic that I drew on tha concrete. It was of a boy swingin on a swing hung from a tree. I drew it like I was in kindergarden. I used bright colors.
I sat back and tried to make shapes outta the clouds. It was a sunny day, temperature just right. Very relaxed, I kept seein clouds that looked like Mickey Mouse come towards me. I thought I was recognizing them in color (green and blue) and then I realized it was some sort of transportation/ride. They would come straight towards my driveway and then retract. (I drew a model in my notebook). The last time it crashed into the street and there were 4 ppl inside. My daddy rushed outside to see if they were hurt and to check for broken bones. They had none. They asked if they could use the phone to call a cab cuz they were far away from home.
Alot of cops were driving by my house and I guess I would be nosy and walk down tha street in the direction that they were goin. Everybody disappeared except for tha guy on tha opposite side of the street walkin in the opposite direction. He passed me and then turned around to follow me. I got scared and turned around and said that I had no money. This 5’9″ – 5’11″ white male with a navy baseball cap on, fake mustache and beard, didn’t say anything and stabbed me in tha chest. I tried to plea and I screamed for my daddy but dude just twisted the knife. I woke up, almost jumpin out of the bed paranoid.

INTERPRETATIONS:
A dream of a swing is a suggestion that issues hanging in the balance can be made to swing in your favor if you exercise patience and caution. Don’t push.
Toy balloons signify trivial disappointments. It can also signify ideals or goals.
Green means adaptability, reconciliation, Need for healing, harmony, balance, reconciliation (within self or self with others).Blue means spirituality, religion, art, culture, philosophy, attitude to life itself.
A dream of artist’s paint signifies important changes if it was watercolors.
Floating white clouds in a clear sky forecast better times in store. Your positive energy and idealism could be represented by white clouds.
Police in your dream are a symbol of security in your life, it is an omen of contrary and signifies that you will get unexpected help with a current problem.
To dream of yourself or anyone else being cut by a sharp edge or object is a warning that indiscreet gossip or behavior could be very costly.
If you are being attacked, then maybe you are feeling somewhat vulnerable in some area of your daily life.
You will be given some information which will be of great value to you if you were assaulted in your dream.

Why’d you leave me?
My heart was in a different place when you left
I was in a different state of mind when you were with me
I was for you but you not for me
I was just in a different state of mind
Why’d you leave me alone?
I needed somebody, anybody, and there was nobody
Bruised my heart and it still hasn’t healed completely
Proud of my battle scars though
And I wear them noticeably
But why would you hurt me?…Deceive me?
I wanted nothing more than to be truthful
And did all I could to stay in that state of mind
But people change…I’ve changed
And I’m not alone anymore

Sometimes I listen to Mary J. when I’m in a certain mood. Kinda melancholy, laid-back but in a mood. I connect with the My Life album in its entirety. Dependin on my mood..it predicts which song I get stuck on. When I’m lonely, “Never wanna live without u.” Somethin about the end, every time I hear it a feelin comes over me.
**Baby won’t u stay wit me a lil while**
When I’m feelin a good vibe “Mary’s joint” is my joint. When I feel like reflectin, “Be happy”, my theme song, gets much play. Somethin about the My Life album…it’s up but not too, down but not too, “you bring me joy” but “I’m goin down”, jazzy and laid-back but not too. That’s the kind of mood I’m in..halfway up, halfway down but in reflection mode.
Right now I find myself repeatin “7 days” from the Share my world album.